What to Do When "Staying Positive" Doesn't Stick

Lauren Cotton
Feb 5
6 min read

Updated: Feb 10

Source: Shutterstock

Key Takeaways:

“Staying positive” isn’t the same as growth. Forcing optimism often backfires when we don’t actually believe real change is possible.
Our brains are wired to confirm what we already believe (confirmation bias), which means negative thoughts can quietly limit what we think we’re actually capable of.
Fixed mindset patterns often develop as protection, not failure, and avoidance can feel safer than effort.
Motivation is unreliable. Sustainable growth comes from commitment, consistency, and a clear “why,” not from feeling inspired.
Developing a growth mindset isn’t about silencing negative thoughts; it’s about changing how much power they have over our choices.

We often hear people talking about the importance of "staying positive" when it comes to accomplishing our goals. Of course, as many of us have found, this is often easier said than done. In practice, positivity can be so. dang. difficult. to maintain over time, especially when we're feeling stuck between hope for success, and the fear we'll be let down.

Many of us are familiar with the experience of receiving mixed messages like "shoot for the stars!" and "the sky's the limit!" while in almost the same breath hearing things like "don't get your hopes up," "you're just setting yourself up for disappointment," or my personal favorite, "that's not how the real world works!"

The thing is, much of what we think of as the "real world" comes down to where our attention lives. Our perceptions are heavily influenced by what we expect to see and experience. Modern psychology and neuroscience have shown repeatedly that we're far more likely to notice and remember events that reinforce the way we already see the world. That means we tend to hold onto the things people say and do that already fit our default view of:

Ourselves
Others
How the world works

...while selectively dismissing or forgetting what doesn't. This is known as confirmation bias, and it has a huge impact on the way we live our lives, as well as the opportunities that seem "realistic" for us.

When we believe the things our confirmation bias says to us, like "this is impossible," "everyone is judging me," or "I'll never be any good at this", we end up accepting those thoughts as facts. Over time, this dramatically narrows what we’re able to achieve, simply because we stop trying.

But confirmation bias doesn’t have to work against us. When we start to actively participate in shaping the reality we want to confirm, it can actually work in our favor. Most people simply underestimate how much influence they have over the voice in their head. Real change begins when we realize that the seemingly automatic script in our brain can, in fact, be rewritten.

...we are much more likely to notice and remember events that reinforce the way we already see the world.

UnFixing Our Mindset

Staying positive sounds nice, but it's much harder to sustain when we don't really think we can change. This is the fixed mindset. When we see our abilities, personality traits, and intelligence as set from birth, trying to stay positive can feel like we're just fooling ourselves... How can we pass that test if we're bad at math? How can we complete that paper if we're terrible at writing? How can we improve our circumstances if we can't improve ourselves?

But fear not, my friend; let me introduce you to your new secret weapon: the growth mindset.

You've probably heard this one too; the phrase "growth mindset" often gets thrown around in the same bucket as "staying positive," and just as often falls flat, failing to motivate or change our behavior when it counts. But here's another approach to this idea: rather than just "sticking to it" or "pushing through" all the negative thoughts that float around our heads and cloud our judgment, let's see if we can instead address the issue at the root - why that negativity is even there in the first place.

Your Brain on Negativity

Our brains are wired to keep us safe from pain - physical and emotional. Sometimes that pain looks like disappointment, not meeting expectations, or failing at something we care about.

In a growth mindset, these setbacks can become a challenge to keep trying and learning, but in a fixed mindset, they can feel like reflections of our worth. You may start reflexively telling yourself all kinds of things to protect yourself from re-experiencing the "bad" feelings, and this often takes form as an avalanche of negativity the moment you dare to consider trying again.

At first, this may sound a little backward. After all, you can’t cancel out negative feelings with more negativity, right? So, what's the deal, brain?

It's important to remember that the negative thoughts and self-talk in our heads are coming from us, and self-generated discomfort feels more predictable and controllable than the uncertainty that comes with taking a risk. From the brain’s point-of-view, this is a simple cost-benefit calculation. Brain assumes that the pain of self-criticism or pessimism will be less intense than the possible pain of failing, being judged, or being wrong. So avoidance starts to feel like the safer option, if only relatively so.

Every time we bargain to feel some pain now in order to avoid more (potential) pain later, the brain considers that a success and rewards us with dopamine. Over time, this creates a strange loop: self-criticism and doubting our abilities starts to feel familiar, even comforting, which makes us more likely to keep choosing avoidance over growth.

So, with all this in mind, what can we do about it?

...self-generated discomfort feels more predictable and controllable than the uncertainty that comes with taking a risk... so avoidance starts to feel like the safer option[.]

Motivation Vs. Commitment

When we’re in a fixed mindset, we often rely on bursts of motivation to get us through a task. If something feels hard, it can be interpreted as a sign that we’re not naturally good at it, which our system registers as a threat. Because of this, we tend to wait until we feel energized or inspired before starting anything new or challenging.

The problem is that these motivational highs are inconsistent and short-lived. When they fade, we’re often left feeling drained after burning through all the feel-good brain chemicals, which can make future attempts feel even harder. With a growth mindset, we expect that certain tasks (especially new or unfamiliar ones) will involve some difficulty and effort, but this can actually feel exciting, because it points toward learning and skill-building, not a loss of ability or worth.

Growth mindset people know that self-improvement isn't always easy and fun, but it is possible with commitment and consistency. The difference is knowing that our self-worth doesn't need to hinge on how quickly we succeed, how effortless something feels, or whether we get it right on the first try.

What really carries growth forward is:

A clear and meaningful “why” that sustains effort when motivation fades and self-doubt flares
The ability to notice and continually release unhelpful thought loops, instead of getting stuck in rumination or self-criticism
Skills for regulating our nervous system when stress, overwhelm, or resistance arise

With these in place, the focus shifts from compensation to realignment, and from helplessness to choice.

Instead of asking whether a thought is true, ask whether it’s useful.

Making Growth a Habit

Creating a growth mindset isn’t about replacing negative thoughts with positive ones or pretending fear and doubt don’t exist. The key shift is recognizing that while negative thoughts may feel helpful in the moment, they often prioritize short-term emotional safety over long-term growth.

Instead of asking whether a thought is true, ask whether it’s useful. Does it move us toward improvement and expansion, or does it keep us stuck in the spiral of procrastination, perfectionism, and shame? By answering this simple question, we start to interrupt the patterns that usually run on auto-pilot in our minds.

You don't need to fake positivity or force yourself to "look at the bright side," you just need to clear out a little more mental space so that a different, kinder, and maybe even more helpful, thought can arise. This is the sweet spot where healthy, sustainable change takes root.

One Last Thing...

If you noticed some fixed-mindset patterns in yourself while reading this, try not to judge yourself for having them. Not only is that, in itself, fixed mindset thinking (!!), but these thinking patterns didn’t just appear out of nowhere; they developed as survival strategies at times when risk felt overwhelming. In many ways, this approach has worked -- it kept you safe, helped you cope, and got you to where you are now.

The invitation here isn’t to get rid of that strategy, but simply to recognize that it may no longer be the most effective one. As your circumstances, resources, and self-awareness grow, you have the option to update the method you use. The approach that once kept you safe can now be gently replaced with one that allows for better learning, adaptability, and resilience.